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Domestic Abuse

No matter who you are, you are likely to have some experience of Domestic Abuse at some stage in your life. You may be in an abusive relationship, wondering whether it is, or simply confused by mixed emotions regarding your partner; you may have escaped and are trying to make sense of what happened; you may know someone who is being abused and want to understand what they are going through; or you may be worried that you are abusive towards the person you love.Victorian abuse image

 My advise to anyone suffering and the hands of another to get help and to get out.

I would like to thank Michelle from the domestic violence unit and Francis my adviser for allther helpfor both myself and the boys throughout our difficult times.

Types of Abuse

We tend to think of Domestic Abuse as physical violence or assault on a wife. In reality, however, domestic abuse is the summary of physically, sexually and psychologically abusive behaviours directed by one partner against another, regardless of their marital status or gender. Generally, when one form of abuse exists, it is coupled with other forms as well.

Domestic Abuse does not just affect people of a certain race, age, gender or background, but knows no ethnic, cultural or personal borders.

Domestic abuse may also be defined by identifying its function, that being the domination, punishment or control of one's partner. Abusers use physical and sexual violence, threats, money, emotional and psychological abuse to control their partners and get their way.

Sometimes Domestic Abuse is better understood by it's effect on the victim than by the specific actions of the abuser.

Abuse in the home is not a rare problem, it is just rarely admitted as one.

Physical Abuse

Physical assault is the most obvious form of Domestic Violence, the most visible, and also the most lethal. Assaults often start small, maybe a small shove during an argument, or forcefully grabbing your wrist, but over time, physical abuse (or battering) usually becomes more severe, and more frequent, and can result in the death of the victim.

Physical abuse is any act of violence on the victim, and can include the following:

  • slapping,
  • kicking,
  • shoving,
  • choking,
  • pinching,
  • forced feeding,
  • pulling hair,
  • punching,
  • throwing things,
  • burning,
  • beating,
  • use of weapons (gun, knives, or any object)
  • physical restraint - pinning against wall, floor, bed, etc.
  • reckless driving, etc.

Basically any behaviour which hurts or physically harms, or is intended to do so.

He came upstairs and asked me to get out of bed to help him look for a work shirt. I didn't get out of bed. I replied that I wanted to go to sleep. He suddenly turned on me. He kicked me out of bed, somehow got me in the posistion of being flat on my back. He stood on me and spat in my face. (Charlotte's Story)

He went on a rampage with a hammer; smashed holes in the fridge freezer then proceeded to smash holes in the wall around my head, laughing as he did so chanting “Eenie, meenie, miny, mo”.


Where threats are made within an violent relationship they can be as debilitating as the violence itself. A victim who has already suffered being battered need not imagine the result of displeasing the abuser, or doubt the abuser's ability to carry out the threats. Even where the victim has not been physically assaulted, the abuser will often demonstrate his ability to harm her by punching walls or furniture, kicking the cat/dog, or using aggressive behaviour.

However, many threats are not physical but part of the ongoing emotional abuse. The abuser may threaten to 'disappear' with the children, report his partner to Social Services as an unfit mother or 'have you locked up in an asylum", harm a significant third party (e.g. family member), refuse housekeeping, leave or commit suicide. Whether the threats are of a physical, sexual or emotional nature, they are all designed to further control the victim by instilling fear and ensuring compliance.

The abuser becomes not only the source of pain and abuse, but also the protector, as he/she is not only the person being abusive, but also the person who can prevent the threatened action, increasing the victim's dependence on him.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse can be defined as any sexual encounter without consent and includes any unwanted touching, forced sexual activity, be it oral, anal or vaginal, forcing the victim to perform sexual acts, painful or degrading acts during intercourse (e.g.. urinating on victim), and exploitation through photography or prostitution.

The abuser my use violence to rape his partner (this is most common where physical violence is also current) or he may use only enough force to control his partner's movements (known as 'force-only rape'). Coercion or manipulation in the form of threats, emotional or psychological abuse may also be used, leaving the victim to submit to unwanted sexual acts out of fear or guilt. The abuser may, for instance, imply that should she not submit, he will hit her, leave her and find 'another woman', withdraw the housekeeping, or punish her in some other way. Or the abuser may insist on sex following a physical attack for the victim to 'prove' she has forgiven him. Whatever form of coercion is used, be it physical, financial or emotional, any sexual act which is not based on mutual consent constitutes sexual abuse.

Sexual Abuse can involve any of the following:

  • excessive jealousy
  • calling you sexually derogatory names
  • criticising you sexually
  • forcing unwanted sexual act
  • forcing you to strip, or forcefully stripping you
  • sadistic sexual acts
  • withholding sex and/or affection
  • making sex conditional on your behaviour or agreement to include practices you are not happy about, eg using porn or sex toys
  • minimising or denying your feelings about sex or sexual preferences
  • forcing sex after physical assault
  • using coercion to force sex
  • taking unwanted sexual photos, sharing these with other people/internet without your consent
  • forcing you into prostitution
  • forcing sex when you are ill or tired

Marital Rape

When sexual abuse occurs within marriage, the victim will often feel very confused as to whether or not she has been 'raped'. It seems obvious to all (general public, law enforcement agencies, religious leaders, etc.) that when a woman (or man) is raped out on the street by a stranger, that rape has occurred and is wrong. When rape occurs within the marriage, neither abuser nor victim may consider it legal rape. This is partially due to the general acceptance of the Christian tradition within our culture which tells us that it is the wife's duty to fulfil her husband's sexual demands. Many women (both religious and non-religious) don't believe they have the right to refuse sex, that 'sex on demand' is an unwritten part of the marriage contract. When they have been raped by their husband, they are inclined to take responsibility for the abuse, furthering the feelings of guilt and lack of self-worth. This blame-taking is further increased by the abuser's justifications, e.g. 'it is your fault for saying no ...'. When no actual physical violence was used (i.e. coercion or force-only ) many men will deny that rape has actually occurred and treat the abuse as though it was normal and by joint consent. This has the effect of further confusing the victim as to the reality of her experience. Marriage, however, is a contract based on mutual love, respect and consideration. Each party has a right to their own body, and while consideration for each person's sexual needs is normal, forced sexual acts are not an expression of love, but a purposeful betrayal of the respect and trust which form a solid marriage.

Emotional/Psychological Abuse

Many forms of abuse are obviously cruel. Emotional abuse is more subtle. Quite often such abuse goes unseen, as even the victim does not recognize that she is being abused. Although emotional abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more seriously damaging to your self-esteem. Emotional abuse is cruel and scars your soul. Physical or sexual abuse is always accompanied and often follows emotional abuse, i.e. emotional battering is used to wear the victim down - often over a long period of time - to undermine her self-concept until she is willing to take responsibility for her abuser's actions and behaviour towards her or simply accept it.

"I thought Domestic Violence always meant that someone had to be beating someone else up. I never realised the daily belittleling, shouting, demands and isolating were all part of the same problem ..."

He would move things around, switch the heating on when I thought I’d put it off. I thought I was going insane. (A Bed of Thorns)

There are many categories of emotional/psychological abuse. They encompass a variety of behaviors that will be easily recognisable by those experiencing them, and often remain completely unnoticed by others. They include:


The abuser will control whom the victim sees, where she goes, whom she speaks to and what she does. This can take the form of simply not allowing her to use the phone, have her friends round or visit her family, or ensuring it simply isn't worth it by being in a bad mood because she left some housework undone, making her feel guilty that she was out enjoying herself while he worked, or even encouraging her - theoretically - to make friends, and then discounting them or complaining that she cares more for her friends/family/hobby than she does him or is neglecting him. Some abusers may move home frequently to prevent their victim from building a social support network.

Many abusers justify their control over their victim by stating that it is proof of their love, or that they worry about their safety when out, etc. In reality however, the abuser needs to isolate his victim to feel secure themselves, they feel as though any relationship, be it family, friend or colleague, will undermine their authority over and take their partner away from them, i.e. poses a threat. The effect of this isolation is that the victim feels very alone in her struggle, doesn't have anyone with whom to do a 'reality check', and is ultimately more dependant on the abuser for all her social needs.

Forms of Isolation include:

  • checking up on you
  • accusing you of unfaithfulness
  • moving to an isolated area
  • ensuring you lack transport or a telephone
  • making your friends or family feel uncomfortable when visiting so that they cease
  • punishing you for being 10 minutes late home from work by complaining, bad moods, criticism or physical abuse
  • not allowing you to leave the house on your own or taking away your passport
  • demanding a report on your actions and conversations
  • preventing you from working
  • not allowing any activity which excludes him
  • finding fault with your friends/family
  • insisting on taking you to and collecting you from work

In extreme cases the victim may be reduced to episodes of literally becoming a prisoner, being locked in a room and denied basic necessities, such as warmth, food, toilet or washing facilities. Other family members or the perpetrators friends can also be used to 'keep an eye on' the victim, acting effectively as prison guards.

Verbal Abuse

When thinking of Verbal Abuse we tend to envisage the abuser hurling insulting names at the victim, and while this obviously does happen, there are many more forms than name-calling. The abuser may use critical, insulting or humiliating remarks (e.g. you've got a mind like ditchwater; you're stupid; etc.), he may withhold conversation and refuse to discuss issues, or he may keep you up all night insisting on talking when you need sleep. Verbal abuse undermines your sense of worth, your self-concept (i.e. who you think you are) by discounting your ideals, opinions or beliefs.

Verbal abuse can include:

  • yelling or shouting at you
  • making threats
  • insulting you or your family
  • being sarcastic or mocking about or criticising your interests, opinions or beliefs
  • humiliating you either in private or in company
  • sneering, growling, name-calling
  • withholding approval, appreciation, or conversation
  • refusing to discuss issues which are important to you
  • laughing or making fun of you inappropriately
  • leaving nasty messages
  • accusing you of unfaithfulness, not trying hard enough or purposely doing something to annoy
  • blaming you for his failures or other forms of abuse

All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, healthy interaction between two adults as well as a lack of respect for individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions. A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values.

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse can take many forms, from denying you all access to funds, to making you solely responsible for all finances while handling money irresponsibly himself. Money becomes a tool by which the abuser can further control the victim, ensuring either her financial dependence on him, or shifting the responsibility of keeping a roof over the family's head onto the victim while simultaneously denying your ability to do so or obstructing you.

Financial abuse can include the following:

  • preventing you from getting or keeping a job
  • denying you sufficient housekeeping
  • having to account for every penny spent
  • denying access to cheque book/account/finances
  • putting all bills in your name
  • demanding your paychecks
  • spending money allocated to bills/groceries on himself
  • forcing you to beg or commit crimes for money
  • spending Child Benefit on himself
  • not permitting you to spend available funds on yourself or children

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk                                 www.womansavers.com

www.childline.org.uk                                     www.helpguide.org                                 

www.dvas.org.au                                         www.ndvh.org



For help with drinking problems please see above web site

The Wheel of Power and Control

Wheel of Power and Control POWER and CONTROL

Abusers believe they have a right to control their partners by:

  • Telling them what to do and expecting obedience

  • Using force to maintain power and control over partners

  • Feeling their partners have no right to challenge their desire for power and control

  • Feeling justified making the victim comply

  • Blaming the abuse on the partner and not accepting responsibility for wrongful acts.

The characteristics shown in the wheel are examples of how this power and control are demonstrated and enacted against the victim.

please feel free to add me to hotmail messenger or email me  if anyone wishes to talk about experiences concerning domestic abuse and how it affects the children please see contact pages for email and hotmail addresses

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